The division of
the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000
years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted
as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the
pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This
epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once
beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet
been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some
men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they
were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative
movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting,
learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every
night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair
dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
Later, some of the liberals actually became women.
Liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group
therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat
that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in
democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then,
and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives
are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on
earth. The jackass symbolizes Liberals. Modern Liberals
like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or
foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus.
Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like
deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first
successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives
drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber
jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who
works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals
do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America.
Conservatives
have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They
practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their
churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible
and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a
changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals
do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing
production of conservatives and undermining principled references such
as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an
issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard
to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do
not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat
cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give
them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from
conservatives.
Conservatives
believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns
and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals.
They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals
and other foreign criminals.
Liberals
do not believe in conservative self-defense. They disarm conservatives,
and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns.
King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule
of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in
BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate
answer.
Conservatives
believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common
criminals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals
from other countries that want to govern our country.
Conservatives know the difference between a commonsense law and a
bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts.
Liberals
believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege
of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on
juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common
criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals, as they do not produce
anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money.
They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as
the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it
up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is
their model.
The
American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore
conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas
was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode
up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you
perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the
cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."
So,
what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or imported?
This
piece of written humor was received as an email by a friend from
someone he knows in the country of Australia. My friend was told
that a senator in the Australian's country sent it to him. At
this point in time, the author is unknown.